Rawrrr :3

I can’t lie, it scares the shit out of me. I can’t wait to move on to the next chapter of my life though. I’m so ready.

I feel like I’m going to fuck something up though. I always do. I’ve been feeling this for a while.

All I want is for everything to be alright. 

Eric and I are making plans. I’m so excited. I can’t say I’ve ever been this happy. I know it’s a new relationship, but I was never THIS happy, just content with the others. 

You can tell when someone is good for you. I knew me and ex#1 weren’t going anywhere. For fucks sake, I was 14 and he was 13 when we started dating. Me and ex#2 well, he was boring. I thought we could get somewhere, but I just couldn’t take his voice anymore. Omg, you know it’s not going to work when you want to hit them everytime they open their mouth. 

I’m just amazed by Eric. Yes, he has flaws, but one’s he’s working on. I’ve heard his story, and I give him credit. We actually have quite a bit in common, but just enough differences. I can talk to Eric, and he listens. That’s all I really want..Someone that cares about me and what I have to say. Someone that I love and love’s me in return. Someone that I can laugh and play with. Someone that I can have a serious conversation with. I never want to be without him. He’s accepting of me. I’ve told him things that I haven’t even told my best friends. I trust him. I’m very insecure, especially with my body. I never feel comfortable with anyone touching me, I can’t even wear short sleeved shirts in public without feeling shameful. And yet, I let Eric touch me and look at me, and I feel beautiful.

I swear, if I could be perfect, I would. But I’m not, and that’s why I suddenly feel the need to post this… Some people will read this and be like, “She’s pathetic”. Well, sorry I’m not you. You obviously are a completely different person. If this is the way I feel, then why do you care? I’m happy with someone that I connect with. Sometimes I wish people could take a look at my life, and the way I see things. Maybe then, people wont be so quick to judge? 

I know a lot of people question why I feel the need to feel love and affection from a man constantly. Well, I wasn’t necessarily loved by my parents. I know that they do love me, but they have a horrible way of showing it. “Here’s five dollars because I love you”, “You can have your car privileges back because I love you”, “We only do this because we love you. BUT don’t forget, “You’re a selfish bitch, you don’t care about anyone but yourself”, “It’s your fault”, “Sometimes I wish I would have gotten the abortion”, “What the fuck is wrong with you”, “You’ve had a good life, you shouldn’t feel that way”, “I don’t care what you do”, “You don’t do anything around here”, “You’re fat”, “You look like a whore”, “You’re fucking crazy”. Do I need to say anymore? 

I just want what I never had enough of. I crave attention, mainly because I never got any from the people I needed it from the most. They were always working, taking care of a baby, dealing with my step sister. I was am the outcast of my family. I’ll never forget anything that ever made me feel like less of the person I am. 

Today, a coworker told me I shouldn’t have such a negative outlook on life. WELL, it’s not easy when the negative parts of your life out shine the positive. So, I’m sorry.